Weeks at number one: 9 (8th January – 12th March 1954) / Length: 2m49s / Label: Columbia
Notable for… being the first no.1 recorded at Abbey Road…and also being the soundtrack to this adorably self-absorbed video:
MELODY & HARMONY ~ 2 : two chords, five notes, zero enjoyment. The way skilled songwriters write such panderingly monotonous songs makes me think of the way super-educated public-school dickwads write for red-tops about david beckham sending sexy texts to David Cameron’s recently deceased Dad. in this recording calvert’s trumpet trumps all over the melody, which makes it simultaneously less and more boring
WORDS ~ 4 : this is an instrumental version, but since everyone buying it would have been aware of the lyrics, it is worth mentioning that they are well-meaning, I think, but not so well-executed. For example, the phrasing “to me he was so wonderful” creates the implication that to everyone else he was a complete bastard. it also scans like an automatic babelfish translation
VOICE ~ 4 : “The Man With The Golden Trumpet”, they called him. However, experiments have shown that a trumpet made of solid gold would be “unusable musically”
STRUCTURE ~ 4 : ABAA(instr.)BA, and about as exciting as that sequence of letters makes it appear
PRODUCTION & ARRANGEMENT ~ 4 : trumpet, airy choir, upright piano (i think), harp (maybe)….poor combo
COOLNESS/STYLE ~ 1 : There’s only one thing slushier than love, and that’s parental love. and at least mum-love has that freudian oedipal edge
ORIGINALITY/NEWNESS ~ 2 : written in 1939…..(before 54 million people died in WW2, which might destroy any claim to relevance)
CATCHYNESS ~ 4 : I guess I already knew this song a bit, so that’s a good sign….it’s clearly stuck in what i like to call the “PUBLIC CONSCIOUS”
CONNECTION/EMOTIONAL HOLD ~ 2 : It’s a sweet message, but the trumpet does nothing to convey it
MORALITY/INTENT ~ 3 : Again, sweet, but the audio equivalent of a Fathers’ Day card from Clintons, and just as money-grabbing
OVERALL ~ 30/100
Spotify here, lyrics here (not for this version, obvz), or buy it: CD
NUMBER ONE MUSIC DIGEST 